This Week's Horoscope

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

If you'd just been elected head of the nation, your citizens would be proud of you this week, because you unflinchingly went about the business of cleaning up your office, both literally and figuratively. What's even more laudable is that you did it not to impress, or win votes, but merely out of your own sense of justice, sanitation and efficiency. Or did you? Some of us suspect that there was at least a grain of self-promotion behind your crusades. In order to keep your saintly reputation intact, better fess up about your secret agenda, so you'll be merely (and quite forgivably) human, not a self-serving fake.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Resist those hormones, you horndog. You can almost taste them surging through your system, flooding you with insane, wild urges. It's delicious, especially because you're not used to such exotic flavors and desires. However, look at least a little past the intoxicating influence of your animal wants, and through their distracting, distorting effects, so you can do the things you have to do this week. After you've checked all the must-do stuff off your agenda, feel free to succumb to those delectable impulses, and be the dyslexic hornGOD you've always wanted to be.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You ought to be chained up. If only you didn't like it so much! Still, find a way to restrain yourself from rolling in your own dirty laundry and reveling in the darkest parts of your soul. Not that those are necessarily bad things; your propensity for naughty celebration is one of the things I like about you best. But since the talent scouts you've been waiting for have saintliness on the brain while they're in your neighborhood this week, I want you to be on your best behavior for the next stretch, so they'll give you the attention you deserve.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You pride yourself on your ability to speak to anyone. Sags are more likely to have a working knowledge of several languages than any other sign. So why are you having such a hard time getting your point across and being heard, finally? It's almost as if you're communicating in an entirely different language. We'll call it Sagittarese. The truth is, Sagittarese is an illusion. People still understand you as well as they ever did. What's really happening?and I never thought I'd say this?is that your listening skills have somehow, astonishingly, surpassed your storytelling ones. This is a good thing, believe it or not, because lately what you have to hear has a lot more relevance to your life than what you have to say.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You've been so self-directed lately I wonder if anything as ephemeral as astrology could possibly affect you. Be that as it may, I don't think it should keep you from what I think astrology's best at anyway?examining yourself. You sometimes do that in a half-joking way, but I recommend taking it a bit deeper than calculating what your porn name should be (pairing your first pet's name with your mother's maiden name?mine is Ginger Hunt). This sounds like a big astrological copout, but it's true: there's something essential about yourself that you're totally oblivious to. Why bother uncovering it? Three words: self-knowledge is power.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You buy those spoiled kids a bunch of fancy toys, only to find them playing with the boxes they came in instead. If only their sensitivity and gratitude matched their imagination. But what can you expect? They learned from you. Cluelessly, you've been accepting people's kindnesses with about as much grace as Richie Rich on speed, and not even using them for what they were intended. Unfortunately, your robot maid Irona just joined the Automated Unit Union and won't be picking up after your sorry ass anymore. Notice when someone does something nice for you this week?every time. And show them some true, genuine appreciation. It's the only way the AUU won't stick it to you when they determine what Irona's new wages ought to be.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You'd never have made it this far without people like me. This is not a call for gratitude or acknowledgment. I just want to point out the inefficient, if understandable, nature of your way of life. This two-fish-swimming-in-opposite-directions thing won't achieve much. Although I'm pleased with how you're able to see both sides of any story, the constant fluctuation between Pro and Con, Do and Don't, Will and Won't holds you back more often than not. This week, listen to your friends when they tell you what to do without getting too bogged down in your own internal debate.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

I overheard people talking about you in a bar last night. They were laughing at your stubbornness, joking about your thick-headedness and shaking their heads at your obstinacy. But in every word I heard an overtone of love. If you'd been there, you would have stormed up to defend your own honor before you could ever have heard that affection. Of course, being your friends, they would've (secretly) delighted in your righteous ire as being "so you." Be cooler than that. Hear the fondness in their complaints, and surprise them with your new ability to read between the lines.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

My car was hit-and-run this week. Not badly, but still?it's a good example of things in life that happen completely outside your control. Preventive measures are fine (like buying uninsured motorist insurance), but don't get carried away. The fact is, you simply can't prepare for every eventuality. The harder you try, the less capable you'll be of rolling with the punches. Sometimes, like this week, you just have to accept what happens, live with it as best you can and move on. Sure, a world without unplanned pregnancies, car accidents and wildfires might be nice, but I'd settle for one without crazies (who make everyone else nuts) who think they can prevent such things.

Anthrax. Some think it's just a never-was metal band. But the Pentagon knows better. They've drawn up plans to genetically engineer a super-version of the bacterium that would be impervious to either Russian or American vaccines against it. This stretches the limits (but supposedly heeds them) of a 1972 treaty signed by 143 nations designed to prevent germ warfare. Why would anyone mess with anything (like nuclear weapons or deadly disease-causing germs) that could basically wipe out human civilization? That's not a rhetorical question. Although you're not dabbling in anything quite so big, some of your activities do seem a little out of your league. Rethink them, before you're held responsible for the next outbreak of bubonic plague.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Just think of it as another tedious but necessary chore, like doing laundry, scouring the toilet or getting a colonic. Hey, wait, you're saying. That last one isn't really necessary. Is it? It depends on whom you're talking to. Some people disagree that the first two are necessary. My point: everyone draws the line of what's vital and what's just extravagance in a different place. For instance, that task you've been avoiding (under the delusion that it's not required of you) is actually way overdue for completion. Stop fooling yourself, find the toilet brush and start scrubbing.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

She gets sloppy on red wine. It makes her affectionate, sweet and subsequently popular, often. Which sucks. In the long run, it's damaging to her personal evolution. It's her warmth and willingness to be open about herself that's attractive, not anything about the alcohol itself. She'd be much happier if she knew that. Of course, it's hard to have moments of clarity through the Vaselined blur of drunkenness. While they may arrive during the following day's suicidal hangover, most people don't feel like dealing with them then. That's why I'm here. Why you think people like you is not why they actually like you. Get a handle on the real reason; as soon as you do, your popularity will soar, with or without your merlot.

[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:caeriel@yahoo.com)