This Week's Horoscope

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

The joys of being scolded by a Virgo are numerous. We've had to discover these joys because there are simply so many things you disapprove of. First, there's the pleasure of seeing you flustered: you're just so cute when you're angry. Second, there's the laughability of your gripes. Naturally, we usually keep this to ourselves, but you should know that your complaints seem sometimes a bit?outrageously ridiculous?to the rest of us. Holding yourself to such exacting and picayune standards is one thing; expecting a sloppy Leo or capricious Libra to conform to them is just foolhardy. Don't bother. Make your lists (I doubt you could stop yourself); check them twice if you must?then throw them out.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I smell. I also spit, curse and pick my nose. Some Libras are fazed by these things. Most Sagittarians, for example, couldn't give a shit about such trivialities. But Libras are more?refined. Your likes and dislikes are strangely narcissistic, however. What bothers you about me or anyone is what disturbs you about yourself. And the things you enjoy in others are those aspects of yourself that you like the most. However, part of self-evolution is learning to appreciate difference, especially when it comes into direct conflict with what you've been taught or believe. The world needs diversity. Different strokes for different folks, etc. Show us how evolved you are. Embrace your personal antiheroes.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

The Astrological Institute in suburban Phoenix is the first school of astrology to win accreditation from the government. It almost seems like something out of Harry Potter, doesn't it, where one would proudly hang an astrology diploma on the wall. You only wish a venue existed that would reward you for the things you're good at (there is one?it's called a porn studio). But while no school is currently offering a certification program in Seduction and Manipulation, you are about to receive unprecedented recognition for something you've long deserved. Congrats.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Talking the big talk again?you remember where this can lead, don't you? It's your admittedly sexy bravado that has led you to very unsexy situations, like the time you puked at ounce 43 of the 64-ounce steak you swore you could eat. You had to pay for the whole thing after all, and coughing up the cash between unwholesomely wet burps wasn't sexy at all. That's why I worry. Before you go off bragging about your prowess, virtuosity or strength, consider: how much of what you say you're up for can you actually, happily deliver?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

I was born in that slough between generations, the mid-70s. Perhaps on the trailing edge of Gen-X, so not in the Gen-Y loop, my crowd and I are mostly floundering in the middle. It's okay. Not belonging to something is as liberating as it is isolating. I'm not burdened with speaking for or representing anyone else, for example. Whatever you feel left out of, whether elite social circle, job echelon or family bonding, don't take it too hard. It frees you. Since you're about to feel more enfolded by a group than ever before, enjoy that freedom while it lasts.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Sometimes you feel like a superstar, sometimes more like a loosely bunched collection of bad habits. The truth, naturally, is somewhere between those two extremes. Unfortunately, so many strangers see solely one side or the other, either placing you on a pedestal so high you're scared to step down from it, or sneering so forcefully in your direction you can't see past the glare off their teeth. Look, you're a great person, assholism and saintliness and all. Don't be afraid to take a swan dive off the pedestal into the arms of your worshipful admirers. They'll catch you, and even be relieved you're human after all. And as for the condescending bastards?slap the fuck out of them. They'd love to be proven right about you. Give them what they want, and tend to those who believe in you.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You spend so much time and energy insulating yourself from the world, trying to shield your poor tenderness from its harsh edges. But then, just when you think you've packed enough fluffy pillows into your clothes and cotton in your ears, you feel horribly isolated and disconnected. Where's the happy middle ground? If only you could completely buffer yourself from life's insanity, but still have the people you love push through your cushy shielding! Luckily for you, we're willing?you've just got to let us know, unequivocally, that you want us to. Is that so much to ask?

Aries (March 21-April 19)

All this thinking before acting makes your brain hurt. The roots of your hair are scorched from so much forethought. But you must admit that taking the time to plan ahead, even a little, goes a long way toward making your adventures more fruitful. So why, why, would you be tempted this week to return to your old, foolish ways of lookless leaping? Is it the hardship you miss? The suffering? Fine. I understand?what's an adventure without adversity and distress? But that's no excuse to regress to your silly past methodology. Instead, up your ambitions?undertake harder adventures. That way, you'll still encounter that craved danger, without handicapping yourself.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Every year in various places (like southern France and parts of Spain, among others), the bulls run in the streets. Daredevils rush the madly stampeding beasts and risk getting gored to retrieve tokens from a bull's back or ears, or spear him. Although you tend to think of cows as peaceful, cud-chewing, cork-tree-sitting, nonthreatening animals, seeing a black ton of horned muscle rushing at you may convince you otherwise. Of course, you've secretly known all that strength lurked beneath your docile surface. But it's kind of a surprise to be reminded of it, after all this time. Since you'll need some horns and might this week to get what you want done, brush off your temper and put it on, like a flashy red cape.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Stop flitting around, you damn pixie! Come here and sit down, Tinkerbell. We've got to talk. This distracted fluttering from moment to moment may be your m.o., but success as a human being sometimes requires more from you than just following the beat. This week, concentrate on giving just one important thing, be it relationship, project or adventure, your complete and undivided attention. That means both Twins. It's going to be hard to buck your habit of rushing, mothlike, toward the brightest light in view. Super-glue yourself to your chair if need be. Whatever it takes to keep you focused; it's getting to that point where some are wondering whether you can. Prove your detractors wrong and give the rest of us some justification for our faith.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Oh, how I want to slide my hands beneath that itchy-scratchy hair shirt you're wearing, relieve you from the self-torture with some lotion and love. Great art has sprung from suffering. Desperate need has spawned valuable inventions. And powerful self-knowledge has grown from hardship of all kinds. But inventing and inflicting your own torment and privation isn't the answer. Inspiration can also come from a happy place. This week, look to pleasure as your muse. It takes dazzling talent to express joy without drowning in cheese. Since you have it, show off yours.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

At your best, you can be the laidback, lazy, happy lion, ever gracious, generous and shining. Sure, you still crave a certain amount of attention, but it's usually easy to get. At your worst, however, you can be the nitpicking, moody, issue-laden boss-man that everyone avoids. Please, I don't want to berate you for your selfishness. But it has made you hard to be around. Let us get away with shit; believe me, we notice you so kindly turning the other cheek. And turn up the generosity meter. We love you when you give us stuff. The end result of all this letting go (of issues and possessions): more love all around. And that's a good thing, no?