Whew. We stopped you just in time. You were about to drop-kick that obnoxious little yapper dog, ball-gag the bitter, complaining crone, and spill red wine all over the rich, bossy blonde's glistening white dress. Though in our private hearts we would've thanked you for such pure acts of justified evil, you can't afford the damage to your karma right now. Most of your actions are likely to rebound. Unless you'd enjoy being stained, silenced and punted, wear a halo of virtue this week, and make yourself worthy of it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Keep trying, and you might graduate from fearsome allosaurus to mighty T. rex. You've already earned a reputation as a ruthless predator, and your unfortunate potential victims shrink from your toothy maw with justifiable terror. Do you really want to rampage your way through life? Especially when you could have those same weak cattle eating trustingly from your hand, instead of cringing whenever you approach? Lock your copy of Machiavelli's The Prince in a trunk and swallow the key. It's time to adopt some new methods (possible tutors: Glinda the Good Witch, Ammachi or Santa Claus) and abandon your old ones before you become as extinct as the dinosaurs you stole them from.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
So you've been hurt before. Join the club. You broke your leg in 17 places and now it's hard to walk without a limp, let alone run. Fine, but broken hearts aren't the same. Heal, already. You call parading scars and building protective walls sound strategy. I call it self-sabotage. Even a serially jilted bride must trust, if she hopes to ever have a happy honeymoon. Let your fiance, buddy or whoever you're taking emotional risks for have the power to screw you over. It's the only way they'll have a chance to show you how much they don't want to.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You require a daunting degree of emotional privacy and protection. However, you also need a powerful sense of human connection and intimacy. Resolving how to maintain your walls and feed your squishy interior is a worthy dilemma. You've gone too long without a working solution. This week, develop and articulate at least a preliminary strategy for making sure the right people are on the right side of your shell at the right times. Don't worry if it doesn't run smoothly at first?you have the rest of your life to tinker with it.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
The freshly cut tree is "planted" in the earth with tremendous group effort, raising it like the giant phallus it represents. Then, in a frenzy of chaotic delight, the oft-fucked-up Beltane celebrators dance wildly around the erect Maypole, weaving ribbons around the trunk as they go. Traditionally, an orgiastic celebration of feasting and fornicating follows the May Day rites of spring. This time of year marks the first hints of the power time (high summer) you thrive in, so something along these lines might be entirely appropriate. Even if you can't find or get to a bacchanal this delicious, do something fiery and carnal this week. Awaken the spark within, and prepare it for all the action it's due to get this summer.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Wow. I'm impressed: your spy network is thorough. Between the streaming webcams hidden in your ex's apartment and the network of binocular-wielding informants across the street, you miss very little. Your boss' clandestine night life as a dominatrix, your sister's unfortunate penchant for girls with dogs (and I mean with dogs)?you've got something on everyone. Save yourself some money. Return the techno-equipment, cut back the kickbacks to your moles. Why? Because you already have access to this information. Your ex-boyfriend is dying to tell you exactly how many women he's slept with since you (and what they did), and your sibling will delight in sharing stories about the mullet-dyke with the Great Dane. The added advantage of asking for information rather than stealing it: you get to decide how much you want (or don't want) to know.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
It usually goes something like this: "Hey, I'm Caeriel." "Carey-what?" "It's like Ariel with a C. Just think of the Little Mermaid." It's not the butchest connotation ever, but I've found it really helps people remember my sometimes-difficult name, drastically reducing the number of introductions I have to perform before it "sticks." I could object to being associated with a skinny Disney mermaid on principle, but it'd be ridiculous. You've been (deliberately) overlooking or eschewing a less-than-elegant, if efficient, labor-saving method for no better reason than it doesn't fit in with your esthetics. Quit it. Be the mermaid, already. It's not so bad?and I know.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You've bought, worn and returned your last dress, Scorpio. The entire town's onto your ethically complex solutions to life's problems. We're immune to your cheap rationalizations ("It's in exactly the same condition as when I bought it!") and here to finally call you on your shit. Just in time, too?because now the necessities that forced your hand (like not having enough money to buy the dress) will be obsolete. Spend this week unlearning how to cut moral corners. Take the long way round instead, now that you can afford to. Your karma will thank you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Sometimes, I leave you running on automatic. You're so famously self-reliant, I trust you to take proper care of yourself, like a cat. Occasionally, though, you run into a problem. Call it a hairball, a sore tongue or whatever you like; it's personally expensive. While you're choking on the consequences of your own independence, don't cling to it unnecessarily. Occasionally, it's okay to ask for a slap on the back, a soothing French kiss or whatever you require. In fact, that's your mission this week: identify what it is you need the most, and ask for it from the person (besides yourself) most able to give it you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
"Damn, dude?you're totally harshing my mellow!" While you'd never utter those words without tongue firmly in cheek, you could find yourself thinking them this week. You might end up avoiding emotionally loaded Cancers or quick-tempered Aries, because they could intrude on your airy mood. You don't get much breezier than this. Watch out, however. Though the pink living room and Las Vegas wedding might be delightful ideas this week, you're sure to hate them in a week or three. Avoid the hassle of keeping paint primer off your divorce papers: enjoy your whimsy, but don't seriously act on it.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
It's okay to be a flaming faggot at Hampshire College (where I went to school) but not to have a conservative viewpoint. Republicans live in the closet there. God(dess) forbid you diverge from the carefully marked boundaries of political correctness, even in a calculated, intelligent manner. Evidently, these liberal places of learning are not forums for open debate but closed communities where radical thinkers can practice preaching to the converted. What a waste. Too bad you've continued that sad tradition in your own life. Everyone you know thinks you're right. That's a problem. You may be right, but there are a lot of brilliant people out there who don't think so. Ignore your converted masses this week. Talk and listen to some of the people who disagree with you instead.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Around this time last year I spent an evening smoking charras (a cheap version of hashish) with a sexy French boy named Vincent. Pleasantly buzzed, we headed out on the town and found a sitar-tabla concert in a back alley of Varanasi, India. Later that night, I stood on the balcony of my guest house, overlooking Ganga, listening to bells tolling over the misty river for some unfathomable late-night rite. What an absolutely different world this was from the one(s) I'd known, and how lucky I was to get to experience it! Most Indians have fewer options than we do. This week, let me remind you: There are as many worlds out there as there are people. If you don't like your life, you're lucky to have the power to choose something different. Don't let yourself be chronically dissatisfied. Exercise that power.
[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:caeriel@yahoo.com)