This Week's Horoscope

With the sun, Mercury and Jupiter all huddling together in your sign this week, you'll enjoy an unusual amount of perspective and clarity. Maybe you can finally see how a tiny shift can make something supporting, loving and nurturing seem oppressive, smothering and restrictive, or vice versa. Being given space can feel like being abandoned, or being romantically pursued can suddenly resemble sinister stalking. The majority of your circumstances could truly go either way, depending on how you want them to or believe they should. Now that you know that reality is what you decide it is, you're free to opt for the version that makes you happier. Why you'd choose otherwise is beyond me.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You're poised on the dewy, verdant lip of lush opulence. Whole fields of wildflowers are inhaling collectively, their moist buds aching to burst into riotous bloom. Pussies are dripping with summer juices; dicks are aching with swollen virility; entire flocks of lovesick avians are nearly plummeting to their deaths while trying to reinvent the quickie, out of necessity; cats are caterwauling violent operas in the alleyways; and it's all for you, Leo. Even if it's not expressly in your honor, it might as well be, for no one is as primed as you are to reap and appreciate all this ripe summer lust and romance and passion, to milk every nectar-laden drop.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

There are no new stories, just a handful of ancient tales cut apart and pasted together into new forms, told in new ways. But things are changing. Science is learning to break down matter and energy into smaller and smaller units; in similar fashion, we approach the Planck's Constant of stories, and use these tiny pieces in radioactive new ways. Don't bitterly believe that you know the ending to the yarn you're spinning now. You have the skill to divide what's left into miniscule pieces and reweave them into a pattern so intricate, beautiful and unpredictable that it might as well be something totally new.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Words coming back to haunt you, Libra? You're stuck in a Grand Canyon carved by past decisions. Your old vows, jokes and prophecies echo continuously from wall to unclimbable wall. With your ruling planet, Venus, in the eminently responsible sign of Virgo, accountability for your own words and actions is taking the paramount position in your experience right now. Forget escape?concentrate instead on only saying and doing what you really mean, so future reflections won't irk you so much. I do have one word of comfort: This timeline, like the ancient Colorado River, is winding. Though you can't see it, the end of this chapter is just around the bend.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Your hunger for extremes still impresses me. It sometimes seems that you're only truly satisfied when things are as drab, colorless and bleak as The Grapes of Wrath, or as florid and densely action-packed as a scene from Moulin Rouge. Unfortunately, the shades of life most often fall somewhere in the middle of that vast spectrum, because maintaining the vigorous intensity of that much gray is almost as hard as generating enough glittering lust to heat a room. It's just not possible all the time. Your job is to live life as fully as possible, even if it's not as vivid as your imagined ideal. The drama you crave will strike (like any good Scorpio) when it's good and ready.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Like every Sag, at some point in your life you've had (or will have) a moment when most of your old girlfriends and/or boyfriends find themselves in the same room, and bond based on their experiences with you. Smart Sagittarians know how to breathe through this kind of thing, how to bear the harrowing and humbling weight of all that shared gossip and judgment. Since multiple chapters of your past may be convening soon to compare notes, stay cool. The worst that may happen is they'll have a good laugh at your expense. At best, an old flame could be rekindled, or at least sparked up enough to get you a "for old time's sake" fling.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

It's time for cutbacks, a little pruning, and I'm not talking about trimming the pubic bush. Some parts of your life are streamlined and organized, while others are as aerodynamic as a garbage truck, and just as full of crap. But redesigning your m.o. holds new challenges now. Going totally solo ain't your style anymore, remember? You've got to carry along all the people who mutually love and adore you. So, when executing an overhaul and revamping your life, don't think two-seater sports car; think super-light monorail.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

It's time for a long-overdue reminder about the nature of crises. Yes, they're just one more oppressive burden of shit added to your already overloaded emotional cargo hold. They threaten to sink the entire ship of your life. But for someone as resourceful and determined as you are, a lightning strike need not be pure disaster. Any challenge is an occasion to shine. The next bolt that dares to pin you between the waves should be seized. Put on your asbestos gloves and climb it (this is a metaphor, you can do that here). Ride the chaos of the thunderhead for a while. It might be scary, but it'll also carry you farther faster than you've gone in months.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

When someone steps out of the shadows with a butterfly knife and says, "Is this gonna be messy, or easy?" your answer should (unless you're a fifth-level black belt or a closeted superhero) probably be: "Easy." After you've given your mugger all your money and begged for the privilege of keeping your driver's license, your goal is not justice, or revenge or recompense. The challenge lies in not allowing him to take anything more than the cash he's probably using to get high. It's about remaining immune to unreasonable fear, unscarred by temporary trauma and tenderly disappointed instead of bitterly certain. You lost a wad of cash, that's all. Don't make it messy after the fact.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You've been blindfolded and marched who knows where. You could be standing on a gangplank above chum-crazy-shark-infested waters, or lingering by the altar under the cyclopean eyes of cameras with marriage-vow teleprompters, a white gold ring and an overeager fiance. You have every right to flip your shit, but I hope you won't. Wherever you end up, you had a hand in getting there, either through passive inaction or unreasonable, stubborn immovability. Now that you're on the spot, before you reject it out of hand, at least consider the possibility that this is where you secretly wanted to be all along.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You can't win every battle. Sometimes, strategic losing can win the war. Controlling when and where you give ground is essential when the odds are against you. This doesn't solely apply to actual military action. Any conflict can be manipulated in this way. If you were producing an edgy television show for conservative producers, you might include a whole bunch of extraneous controversy, so the pieces you actually care about might make the final cut. Since your adversaries need the illusion that they have some power over you, start (and throw) a few fights you don't mind losing, to up your chances of winning the ones you actually give a shit about.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Consider this scenario: You're given (maybe as a gag, maybe for real) a huge trophy of a dildo, replete with multi-pronged attachments, motorized parts and remote control. After a hearty laugh amongst friends you tuck it into your bag and actually forget about it, until your next business meeting, when it flops onto the conference table. There's simply no hiding it. Everyone's seen it and thought: "Well. There?it?is." Since it's quite likely that a private part of your life may pop out for an unforeseen public viewing, prepare yourself for the possibility: Don't be embarrassed. Calmly rebag the dildo. Make a joke. You may rest assured that no one is as scandalized as they pretend to be, and one or two of your oglers will shortly be shopping for a sex toy of their very own.

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