This Week's Horoscope

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

As we tumbled from the bus (where we'd endured 16 grueling hours) my bud and I realized a few things: The agent who'd sold us the tickets lied; we were in a part of India where few Westerners ever went; we were totally lost. Four-dozen gaping men immediately surrounded us, and followed us everywhere. I wandered all over town, desperately seeking someone who spoke English, or responded to my primitive Hindi enough to translate the signs or train schedules (none of which were in any language I knew), or help us find food and water we could safely consume. My point? This is one of my most vivid and favorite memories of my trip to Asia. The stressful moments you're enduring now could become your fondest recollections months or years from now. Here's hoping that truth will make them ever so slightly less stressful.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

I went to see Lord of the Rings prepared to hate Aquarius Elijah Wood as Frodo. But on the way, I read an article of how he'd gotten the part (filming himself in the woods in hobbit gear, acting out scenes from the book) largely because of his enthusiastic extra effort, and it opened my mind a little. Turns out, he was wonderful. I encourage you to take inspiration from his example. Like him, only you know how perfect you are to fulfill your secret ambition. Clue us in, forcibly if necessary, and prove to yourself and the doubting masses what you knew all along.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

At the Batu caves in Malaysia, devotees of the Hindu god Lord Murugan make pilgrimages every year to perform rituals during the holy festival of Thaipusam. Their devotion to the god supposedly makes them impervious to pain. For eight hours, they pierce cheeks, tongue and other body parts, pull carts from hooks in their backs or walk across hot coals. Whether the divine force (which also mysteriously keeps their wounds from bleeding) comes from a reclusive cave-dwelling deity or from their own faith-born inner strength is mostly irrelevant. Pray to whatever it is you believe in this week and you're likely to have your prayers answered.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Start feeling your temples for bumps. The beginnings of your spring horns should be sprouting soon. I hope you don't take their hopeful nudging as an excuse to start ramming things in earnest. Your reputation for obstinacy has only grown this winter; reinforcing it now with needless headbutting would be counterproductive. The people you need most to give you what you want are counting on your flexibility and willingness to be reasonable, not your ability to knock naysayers down. Prove to them how incredibly versatile you are. Everyone knows you have balls and the chutzpah to go with?what's in doubt is whether you can let an opportunity to use them slide by. Show them you can.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

The paper ran a picture of troops in Afghanistan celebrating Christmas with a tree decorated in mine tape and a crudely drawn fireplace and mantel spray-painted onto a wall. It's in their absence that the comforting rituals we take for granted are most powerful. At home, going through the motions of Christmas might be a mixed bag of pleasure and aggravation, perhaps even a trial to be endured. In a bleak war zone, it's a haven of comfort and familiarity. This week, take special notice of the little sacraments of your life, and be grateful that you can have them at all.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Lately you've been so harsh as to wish awful fates on your rival, hoping he'd choke on a fishbone, suffer a bathtub electrocution or have a superglue accident. Icky ill will aside, this sucks because your chief adversary these days is yourself. Forget eliminating your competition, obviously. Concentrate on quelling the inner conflicts that are your problem's root. Try wishing sweet outcomes on your self-opponent (ones that would pleasurably prevent him from working against you), like falling into a river of chocolate, having exhausting seven-hour sex marathons or getting a puppy.

Cancer Alan Turing, who first forecast the computer back in 1936, helped create machines, including the Colossus, as part of ULTRA, the epochal effort that gave the Allies the ability to read German Enigma codes during World War II. Without his brilliance, the Allied effort to stop the Germans probably would have failed. However, once the war was over, intelligence officials considered his gayness too great a security risk, and he died of cyanide poisoning in 1954, after being convicted in Manchester of being a practicing homosexual. Lest you be similarly judged for your fault-laden humanity, give your heroes a break. So they're not the perfect avatars of brilliance you wish they were?they're still incredible, and inspiring. Let those you admire be the admirable but imperfect people they are, and they'll return the favor.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Although it's tempting when you experience a setback to let yourself lapse into total slobby oafishness, don't. These days Mom ain't around to catch the mildewy towels that are crawling around by themselves or clean up the plates of half-eaten food that have learned to speak their own names. If you must create new and bizarre forms of life, make them up yourself. That's right?it's your special privilege this week to channel your laziest, messiest impulses into throbbing inspiration. Don't waste it by making an actual mess you'll have to clean up later.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

The administrators of the Boulder County school district in Colorado stupidly planned on poison-gassing prairie dogs over the holiday break. Despite little to no risk of the diseases and injuries that concerned the handful of paranoid parents behind this effort, school officials addressed their absurd anxieties by killing the adorable animals sharing their children's sports fields. Even though a student petition bearing more than 300 signatures was put forward to save the prairie dogs, decisionmakers felt it was better to kill hundreds of creatures rather than risk someone spraining an ankle in one of their holes. Your perspective lately is nearly this skewed. Don't let the loudest complainers in your life lead you astray.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You've been so in denial about wanting attention that you've actually gone incog these past weeks, donning scarves, shades and even kooky disguises so you'd go unrecognized by your cultish local fan base. Fine. Everyone deserves some alone-time. The problem is?you'll be craving that supposedly smothering attention before long; but you might not get it. Don't let those fickle Beauty-heads forget about you. Admit your desire?nay, need?for at least part-time worship, and make the appearance the ones who love you are so desperately craving.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

"God, I'm so in love," she croons. "How can I keep myself from sabotaging my own happiness?" Sound familiar? My answer, in three parts: 1) Remember that everything changes, good and bad. 2) Knowing about entropy and impermanence can help you live in the glorious moment, instead of anticipating (and helping create) a dreaded future. 3) Remember the inevitability of misery?even if this situation stays good, something will happen to make you unhappy at some point?remembering that could help you really experience your current joy without fear or guilt?you've already paid your dues, and you'll pay some more at some point, so there's absolutely no reason to hold back on being ecstatic now. I'll quote my favorite Thai advertisement as your mantra this week: Enjoy the enjoy.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You of all people should know how much effort holding onto a grudge requires. Let it go, already. Especially because your newest nemesis is firmly ensconced in your circle?maintaining antagonism toward her can't be useful, and it can only hurt your relationship with the friends who know and love you both. I'm not expecting you to work it out, but don't force those around you to take sides or honor your hostility. In case you need an extra push, remember this: making people choose sides almost always makes them choose the one that's not yours.

[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:caeriel@yahoo.com)