Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You're not supposed to wear your disposable contacts for days on end. They fuse to your body like edible underwear worn jogging on a hot afternoon. I only mention it because the attitude you've been wearing?even though it's more attractive than glasses, and definitely helps you see the long view better?isn't healthy in the long term. It's melting all over you, making you seem sticky and gross. My advice: take a long hot shower, until you've scrubbed the last of it off of you. When you come out fresh and clean, resolve to wear it like a tuxedo: only when the occasion warrants it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Bravely (or foolishly, depending on your perspective), Christian Rudder (www. thespark.com) infected himself with athlete's foot as a grotesque and entertaining experiment, called the StinkyFeet Project. He endured the burning, itching, pain, embarrassment and "grode" factor for about a month, all in the name of "science." Was his experiment really scientific? No. He wore plastic bags on his feet for weeks and conditions fluctuated depending on his emotional state. Was it worthwhile? I thought so. Just like you, what he's calling one thing is actually another, but it's still worth doing, if for different reasons.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Recently, an Aquarius complained that I don't give you guys enough notice when something significant's about to happen in your lives. Wow?an Aquarius wants to plan something!? This is a first. Well, I can predict one thing for sure: in the next month or so, some of you might actually get lives, move out of your moms' basements and become complete human beings. In the meantime, someone might be really mean to you for no discernible reason. Try not to let it bug you, though. The verbal spanking you receive now will only make it feel that much sweeter next week, when the very same person kisses your ass.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) I feel guilty about my nasty jab at the Aquarians. I didn't mean it, I just wanted to prove a point. I hope they don't despise me forever. I'm tempted to hand you a ridiculously inappropriate and self-serving assignment, like "teach an Aquarius the wondrous joy of forgiveness," but I won't. Instead, I'll warn you: Even though you're the willing recipient of dozens of heartfelt confessions (like mine), outlandish gossip and personally biased arguments and accusations, it's not always in your best interest to pass them on unedited. It doesn't matter that none of the information has anything to do with you; simply being the messenger (or meddler) this week could land you in hot (or very, very cold) water. Next time you hear something juicy, incriminating, embarrassing or enlightening, think about what the words would sound like coming out of your mouth before you actually let them slip.
Aries (March 21-April 19) Ah, the creative process is a wonderful thing. I know I'm "in the zone" when I notice my jaw's relaxed, mouth slightly open, mind racing, but focused, and I fail to observe the passage of time until a significant period has elapsed. It's better than pot, Jagermeister and Prozac, better than television?because even after the high's worn off, I've still got something, and it's nothing so pathetic and unrewarding as a hangover, backlash depression or cottonmouth. It's something new.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) You plan and plan and plan. You might take years setting up a business plan, marriage proposal or practical joke (or all three in one!). But sometimes you simply have to act. Jump from the plane, and all your ticket-purchasing, insurance comparison, weather consultation and devout prayer comes to less than naught?you either open the parachute or you splat. I won't predict that this week contains one of those all-or-nothing moments. But I will caution you?they have a tendency to sneak up on you, and I've noticed one or two lurking behind the bushes around your house.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) The Evil Queen might magically (or through plastic surgery) adopt the cherubic face of blossoming youth, but she won't regain her lost innocence. Similarly, Snow White could don black leather and wield automatic weapons; alone, they won't make her any tougher, though. Or will they? I believe that if an awful old hag got to put on the pretty naivete of childhood, even as a ruse, there'd be the slightest chance she might relearn blind trust and idealism. And Snow White, all decked out like a postapocalyptic road warrior, might just end up in a situation where she's required to use those deadly guns?that'd toughen her up pretty quick. In a similar fashion, you might find that the act you've been putting on is slowly?but surely?becoming less of an act and more of a reality.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Some of the Cancers in my life begged me to predict something nice for them this week. Apparently, their lives have gotten rough enough that they're willing to invest a scruffy, dredlocked, nomadic astrologer with the authority to determine the quality of their lives. It's the same kind of power given doctors. If Ms. MD hands you sugar pills and the assurance, "These will heal you," quite possibly your belief in her credibility would do the trick. As your astrological health-giver, I'm qualified to diagnose you. If this week were a disease, your symptoms would probably include: giddiness, a renewed sense of hope, faith in the basic goodness of the people around you, unholy warmth when you're around that special someone and a virtually unstoppable growth of laughter. Fuck chemotherapy. Let this baby run its course.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Your luck turned earlier this month?you were finally able to shake off the black cloud that'd been haunting you for way too long before that. However, that gnarly old thunderhead's on the prowl again. Luckily, baby curses aren't too bright. Hide out. Wear a costume. Last time you had to don a disguise, that cowboy hat got you laughed out of the office, and the Wonder Woman outfit fared no better. But not this time. If anyone laughs at you now, I give you my permission to confiscate all their Halloween candy, and give it to people with some real Halloween spirit.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Forgive me, Virgo, for I have sinned. It's been three months since my last housecleaning. My clothes are strewn in sullen heaps across my room. Besides the trail from the door to my bed, I can no longer walk in there without stepping on something. Chastise me, Virgo. Punish me for my negligent, most disgraceful and disorganized ways. Set me back on the path to righteous cleanliness and order. And when you're done doing that, you might notice how nice it is to not be punishing yourself for a change.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) At last! The teeter-totter nature of the past few weeks is finally settling to an uneasy equilibrium. Whew! One week, you were checking your voicemail every five minutes and counting down minutes until the next party. The next, you were deleting all your messages without listening to them and holing up by yourself with a stack of movies and a gallon of ice cream. Finally, the long sought-after and craved balance is here. Don't feel obligated to adhere to one of your more extreme patterns (like those I just mentioned), out of habit?not when a more stable equilibrium is just around the corner.
[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:caeriel@yahoo.com)