This Week's Horoscope

I was in the mood for revenge. I hate being needlessly cut off, and when the culprit is driving a souped-up, gleaming white SUV with tires as tall as my whole car, I can't resist. I pulled up next to the villain, rolled down my window, and addressed him. "Little dick?" I said knowingly. He spluttered. I nodded sympathetically and moved on, filled with self-satisfaction. He had to at least consider that I'm not the only one who sees an extravagant car as compensation for some other lack?be it youth, love or endowment. So, what are you compensating for? You might as well be driving a rocket ship downtown. Overkill makes a huge statement?but is it really the statement you're going for?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Kamla Jaan, the foul-mouthed new mayor of Katni, India, was one of a half-dozen eunuchs elected to public office this year. Predominantly illiterate, the hijras (the Hindi word for eunuch) come from near the bottom of a seriously fucked-up social stratum. People nominated and elected them to show contempt for the corrupt and ineffective political system. To their pleasant surprise, the gender-twisted new officials proved to be good at their jobs, with more integrity (and compassion for the underdog) than their predecessors. Kamla dismissed the committee hired to "help" (read: control) her almost at once. The lesson: Those you're counting on to lack balls may have more than you think, and that's probably a good thing.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Do you know anyone who's always right, never makes a mistake and knows everything? Only you, huh? That's pretty cool! You must be one of the most extraordinary people on the planet, a hideously brilliant cyborg, or...deluding yourself. In your secret heart, you admit you're not infallible. But that sometimes seems like your unspoken claim. I only aired your little secret here, in your very own horoscope, so that only those "in the know" will see. But if you don't start copping to your own screwups and admitting you're wrong once in a while, I'll be forced to start spilling beans across the board. Own your errors, please.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Linda Ronstadt is not a silicon crystal. Yet a study (cited by The New York Times) found that many middle-school science textbooks harbored strange errors like the aforementioned mislabeled photograph or a map showing the equator passing through the southern United States. That's pretty fucking sad. Okay, nothing's perfect?but I have this sinking feeling that we're becoming a nation of idiots (I mean, look who we "elected" president). I trust you to be certain of the facts before you act on them. Your mission this week?when you encounter dummies who fall far short of this ideal, call them on it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

The answer isn't a total ban on public smoking, despite the fact that most smokers have little awareness of and consideration for those around them. That's why I'm buying a water gun. Every time I get an unwilling whiff of noxious cancer fumes, I'll give the offender a little squirt. It's an appropriate response: equally legal, obnoxious and intrusive (if not as health-threatening). When considering your own actions (and reactions) this week, keep these two things in mind: Match the "punishment" to the "crime," and don't count on someone else (like the government) to adopt battles you could more effectively fight (and win) yourself.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Can a Cancer's love not be clingy or overzealous? I'm aware that you rarely use these adjectives to describe yourself, but they're unfortunately often applied to you by the recipients of your admiration and/or adoration. What you see as loving attention can sometimes (to emotionally undeveloped folk) seem like smothering attachment, and comforting safety a stifling trap. I'm hardly recommending you curb your emotions (how could you?). Just let a few of them go unspoken, especially this week, when the subjects of your worship are more likely to take human sacrifices the wrong way.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Don't be so fucking sensitive. Not everything is a possible insult or threat. Most of the time, people are actually rooting for you, hoping you'll become as rich and famous as you wish. But not this week. This week, there's nothing but surliness pointed in your direction. You won't receive the benefit of the doubt, and you'll have to do more than merely pass Go to get your 200 smackers. Turn down your social vulnerability meter; you'll not only survive weeks like this, you'll thrive on them. Self-confidence is your power (and your weakness, when it escalates into unfounded arrogance). Use it to prove everyone wrong. If it helps at all, remember that the harsher your opposition, the more powerful people actually believe you to be. If they really considered you weak and inconsequential, they wouldn't waste energy on you at all.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22)

Meanwhile, in Europe, they're combating the spread of the dreaded Mad Cow Disease, which apparently originated from making the poor creatures into cannibals. Yup, they ground up bits of old cows and fed them to living cows. The result: an awful affliction. Not exactly a conscious, thought-out response. But life does seem to react to the stimulus at hand?if not deliberately, then in some unconscious way. The pressure you're under demands a reply. Will it be a cognizant, proactive one, or are you going to wait until the nervous breakdown (or postal meltdown) hits?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Your pimped-out pad and trendy sneakers aren't fooling anyone. Even distracting accessories like a push-up bra or bushy sideburns won't turn aside the nefarious perceptions of your critics. Their claim: Your values are cheap and superficial and obsessively concerned with how you're perceived by those you consider cool. You can see why carefully bought accoutrements can't possibly counter accusations like these. So forget the gimmicks for a minute, a week?or possibly the rest of your life. If the real, artifice-free you isn't cool enough?it's a problem you should address, not cover up.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

It seems your ruling planet, Pluto, isn't actually a planet, at least according to the American Museum of Natural History. They've reclassified it as part of the Kuiper Belt of comets, a bunch of balls of rock and ice in the outer solar system. Oh, shit. Could it be this crazy fucker who's been walking around like a major league badass is actually just an ordinary person, with ordinary feelings and insecurities? Maybe. But if you're the human equivalent of an overhyped comet, at least you're still the biggest, baddest comet in the entire solar system. If people's estimation of you has dropped a notch this week, go out of your way to let them know you can still kick their asses without even trying.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

The Tenderloin (San Francisco's ghetto-ish red-light district) has lately been referred to as one of the city's more "slow-to-gentrify" neighborhoods. The (probably true) presumption behind this statement?that it's a given that soon all of San Francisco will be completely subverted to serve the yuppified rich white folk who've moved there?is depressing. In fact, I applaud the Tenderloin for retaining its (admittedly seedy) character. It's one of the last strongholds of realness in the city, somehow more immune to the identity-eroding disease of gentrification. You've been subjected to a similar whitewashing, streamlining influence. You've held up admirably well, but this week calls for a change of tactics. Follow the lead of the Tenderloin: If clinging to your shadow (all your internal crack whores and junky hustlers) helps you stand up in the conforming flow, more power to you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Bidding gets wild in China's numbers racket. Everyone wants a lucky cellphone number (the more 6s, 8s and 9s, the better). Most Westerners probably roll their eyes without even checking to see if those who land the best digits actually lead more prosperous or fortunate lives. Statistically, they probably do?if only because if you believe you'll be lucky, you're more likely to attract the kind of good fortune you think you deserve. So, fuck superstition?make your own luck. This week, waltz in shit with a black cat under a ladder, and wait for the blessings to roll in.

[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:caeriel@yahoo.com)