This Week's Horoscope

There's a scene in the movie Hannibal where someone is fed his own stir-fried brain. "It tastes good," comments the character. Sound familiar? You've been devouring yourself from within, without the aid of a brilliantly twisted cannibal. This self-consumption, as delicious as it may be, can only go so far before you do irreversible damage. You have problems enough without compounding them by doing yourself harm. Your friends can tell you're troubled. Do them a favor. The next time they ask, "What's eating you?" make sure you have an answer other than: "I am."

Aries (March 21-April 19)

This is a great week to stage an intervention for your chocolate-addicted friend. Driven to the brink by a slavish devotion to the dark stuff, hounded by horrible acne and an expanding waistline, she'll be grateful to you for stepping in. Be firmly compassionate, without resorting to lame, reductionist strategies like: "Try carob. It's almost the same." Might as well give a heroin junkie Tylenol. Simply own that she's giving something up that's irreplaceably great, but ultimately not as great as the things it's keeping her from. Then use the same hard-nosed, tough-love attitude on yourself to conquer your own less-than-healthy habit.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

While your protruding brow and powerful jaw aren't quite enough to earn you the status of "missing link" between our primate ancestors and the modern Homo sapiens, your Neanderthal attitude is. The Cro-Mags ain't got nothin' on you, ya big brute. Chill out on your bash-first, ask-questions-later approach. That's right: lower your club, and back slowly away. If you don't, you're likely to get clobbered yourself. You can protest, "Me have big stick!" all you want, but it's useless: these days, people use smarter weapons than your rusty nail and board, like e-mail viruses, media smear campaigns and lawsuits. Better develop a more sophisticated offense, or else get used to not having it your way all of the time.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Gemini Iannis Xenakis died earlier this month. He was a composer who built music on mathematics. Rejecting intuition and unreasoning randomness in his compositions, in favor of logic and determinism, earned him many critics as well as longtime admirers. I like the way he applied rationality to something traditionally and currently thought of as highly spontaneous and illogical. This ability to see things from several perspectives is one of your strengths, supposedly. You haven't been demonstrating it, though, with your stubborn, linear, unimaginative approach to your latest difficulties. Attack the problem from not just one or two or seven angles, nor "as many as you can," but simply "as many as it takes." You've got it in you. Now show it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

The British armed forces haven't had a lick of trouble, apparently, since they adopted a progressive, accepting attitude toward their queers, who can now legally and openly serve. Of course. Military strength should improve, because people always do a better job when they feel good about themselves and their employers. It's been a long time since you envisioned actually devoting yourself to something you could wholeheartedly believe in. Dust off that fantasy and get acquainted with it again. In at least one of these arenas?your job, your love life or your greatest "extracurricular" passion?you're likely to find something worthy of you this week?all of you.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

First imagine the lamest little-girl fantasies you can: fluffy clouds, rainbows, unicorns. Now think of the sad, slightly twisted corporate executives whose job it is to take those sickly sweet visions and shape them into products that those poor, naive little women find irresistibly delicious?and their parents find palatable enough to purchase for them. This marketing strategy has resulted in some nauseatingly lame merchandise, like Care Bears, or O-Town, and one of the illusions you've been swallowing. Carefully constructed to appear to your particular sensibilities as a scrumptious and nutritious meal, the lie is that it's really as vacuous and simple as cotton candy. Throw it away, now that you know?before you take another delectably empty bite.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Those lame-ass, new-age, reincarnation gurus don't ridicule the many people who claim to be Cleopatra, say, or Hitler (as they so richly deserve). They accommodate them instead, by inventing the possibility that those souls split and were reborn into many new incarnations. Puh-leeze. I want to know: Why didn't Homeless Joe's soul fracture and find itself born again in 80 different people? I know you share my cynicism in this case. You wouldn't give money to a pasty-faced medium with an infomercial so he could tell you about your life as Queen Elizabeth I. So why are you giving something much more important (part of your soul) to someone just as conniving and pathetic? Next time he asks for a piece of you, laugh in his face. It's less than he deserves?in another life you'd have him beheaded.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Don't waste time with useless stunts like stuffing your face with habanero peppers or lighting your farts. Take the brave, foolish streak you've been wearing this week and tame it to serve some constructive end. Don't risk your life jumping between rooftops to impress a girl, not when there are more daring and impressive leaps to be made in your attitude. A tricky and dangerous emotional turnaround would go further toward getting you laid than its physical equivalent (which would actually turn some potential nooky away). Save the bungee-jumping. Bounce back with a new idea and you'll never have to jump off the bridge in the first place.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Chinese kids adopt new names to reflect their individuality, and few are off-limits. Whereas names like God, Hercules or Northwest Air might seem presumptuous or ridiculous to most Western youngsters, there they are simply expressions of each person's uniqueness. As the world gets both smaller and more crowded, the pressure to feel special increases. Meanwhile, it's harder to stand out from the crowd. However, it's important that you make an effort to do so this week (getting noticed now could lead to a big deal later)?do whatever it takes, even if it means changing your name to Lightning, or Superman.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Your search for a Universal Theory of Everything that would apply across all circumstances is admirable, but lengthy, if achievable. In the meantime, you're a bundle of contradictions. So what? Join the club. I can live with my conflicting emotions?because I recognize each situation as its own thing. Don't hold out for the abiding generalization?at least this week, tailor your reactions to the specific experience, and don't worry if it clashes with what you've thought before, or what you might think somewhere down the line. Save the philosophy until actually living your life is less important.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You are what you do, like it or not. Anyone can resist, for a time, the influence of a job or activity; you don't become a corporate pawn overnight. But it's insidious, the way daily tasks creep in and take over your personality. You become what you despise despite all your resistance. The only solution, ultimately, is to do what you love more than you do what you hate. How's your balance of duty to passion? This week, do what it takes to tip it at least slightly toward the love of life?then set yourself up so it will stay that way.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

I was in India when the 17th Karmapa Lama?15-year-old Ugyen Trinley Dorje?arrived there after an arduous, snowy trek through the Himalayas. Fearing Chinese persecution, Ugyen asked for asylum from the Indian government and now presides as part of the Tibetan government-in-exile in Dharmasala. The government of the most populous country on Earth regards a teenage Buddhist as a threat because of who he may have been in a previous life. As ridiculous as it seems, don't laugh. These circumstances may read more like science fiction than current events, but they may be a comfort to you when you're driven to preposterous extremes by equally unlikely presumptions this week. Just bite your tongue and be thankful you don't have to carry the history and responsibilities of 16 previous versions of yourself.

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