This Week's Horoscope

You must be exhausted. It's been nothing but leaping from burning buildings onto speeding dump trucks with you. Enough, already, with the stereo-in-the-hot-tub incidents over at your place. You nearly bled to death in that shaving accident. But do you really want the sweet, safe existence you've been fantasizing about? You'd enjoy the padded room and muzak for about a minute, then begin plotting your escape. So why even go there? You'll have your chance to this week, if you still think you want it. Whether you prefer limb-threatening booby traps in your kitchen or premasticated hospital food is up to you. If you still can't make up your mind, though, take my word for it: Safety's nice in theory, but danger is better in real life.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

When a horse breaks a leg, it's put down. Since they apparently can't recover, they're euthanized. Whether this is truly appropriate I'm not qualified to say, but I will say you're slightly monstrous for wanting to end the life of your ______ (fill in the blank: job, relationship, newfound attitude, etc.) so prematurely. Here the poor thing is, tottering around on shaky legs like a baby deer, and you shoot it in the head for not being able to keep up with your galloping pace. Slow down and give Bambi a chance to grow up. He'll thank you later when his (ahem) antlers have grown in.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

My job's almost as hip as being a professional stuntman or circus performer. Woo-hoo for me. Go ahead, shake your head in disgust. I foolishly value the ephemerally trendy, at least during this chapter of my life, even if I don't pander to it. You, on the other hand, have rarely worshipped at the altar of pop culture. But save your pointless condescension. You can thumb your nose at me because you have good credit, better insurance and a nicer car. So what? We each do what makes us happy. Go ahead and wallow in your financial superiority, but allow me to revel in my imaginary coolness, at least until I tell you to get back to work and let me loaf in peace.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

It's you or them these days. That is, you're either making yourself crazy or driving someone else insane, pleasing yourself or your friends (but not both), and suffering or inflicting pain. Oh fucking woe. Is there no middle ground? Unfortunately, no?unless you somehow conquer your persistent allergy to the truth. Will the truth set you free? No. That's idealistic bull. But your insanity should diminish when you're no longer obsessed with juggling cons and lies. Honesty may not please anyone, but any pleasure derived from its absence was phony anyway. Finally, unavoidable pain is much more bearable when it actually has meaning, dignified with truth. Don't hide it or hide behind it. Just tell it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

The Colombian army is destroying food, apparently, in its efforts to obliterate significant numbers of the coca plant (used to make cocaine). In the largely U.S.-supported and -funded effort, many other plants in the targeted area, like plantain and yucca, were destroyed, and local farmers complained of symptoms like rashes and vomiting resulting from the herbicides. This pursuit of the lesser evil has so many side effects and harms so many innocents. Is it worth it? You tell me. You've enacted a similar strategy on your own soul. What's the story? Has your metaphysical chemotherapy rooted out the cancerous darkness effectively, or are you still suffering from the peripheral fallout?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

It's not exactly a superiority complex?Leos are in many ways a higher caliber than most of the people they encounter. But carrying around such an inflated ego is quite a burden, especially when it repulses some really great people who could significantly enrich your life. So you're great; shut up about it already. Ask yourself this: Is it better to be No. 1 behind people's backs (as they walk away from you, in disgust) or merely an equal among people who look you in the eyes, with respect?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

I've rarely seen you so pissed. You called your sister and boyfriend in fits of rage. Someone really crossed a line. No one wants to make a joke of your anger, believe me. Really, you should be thankful that you're still quite capable of it. It's a powerful tool. I just wish you could turn it against the losers who really deserve it, instead of the impish pranksters who really want what's best for you. So some joker set your alarm clock for 4 a.m. As inconvenient as that timing is, can't you see the real intention behind his mischief? He's just trying to wake you up. Open your eyes already, and climb out of the dumpster you passed out in.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Occasionally, I've painted Libras as coldhearted, social-climbing attention-seekers with a prissy resistance to "not nice" things and a tendency to avoid confrontation. I'm sorry. A few of your tribemates (with their scales twisted seriously out of balance) drove me to extremes. I'm fessing up because I know you. You're the ultimate compensator, perceiving a lack and filling it magnificently. That's why I'm pointing out the gaps in your public image (which I've unfairly contributed to). You can correct them with gloriously irreproachable behavior. Yes, please?fix your screwed-up reputation. Start with forgiving me, and move on from there.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You've been more aggressive than a pro wrestler lately in your romantic (and other) pursuits. Like those comedic behemoths, you have very little intention to actually hurt. Usually you enter entanglements with stinger poised and primed (if hidden). Lately you've kept it in plain sight but poisonless?more for show-and-tell than stab-and-kill. What's up? Have you gone soft, finally? Or are you no longer satisfied with the merely effective long-distance blow? Would you prefer to entice your victim to roll over and expose his belly before you strike? I guess it could go either way. Just a warning (or a blessing): You're sure to get exactly as you give, at least this time around.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

In such a mad rush to grow old and wise, you dyed your hair silver, wore glasses (for show only) and adopted odd, unnecessary mannerisms (like that flamboyant cane or the repulsively stinky cigar-smoking). While I appreciate and admire your earnest desire for wisdom and enlightenment, there's a problem with your methods. Ultimately, no amount of deep thinking, book learning or playacting can replace the truest source of wisdom: experience. And some experiences can only happen to you when you're naive enough to allow them. So be young and stupid while you can. There'll be time enough to be cynical, crotchety and wise later on. And if you don't let yourself be idiotic and trusting now, you'll kick yourself then, when you realize how moronic that is.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

It's never too late. This is truer for you than for other signs?because of your remarkable ability to age backwards. As you age, your capacity to enjoy amusement parks, star in porno films and seduce college freshmen increases proportionately. On that note, you've been way too involved with stuffy old pursuits lately. Lighten up. Take off your tie and frolic in a playground. Do donuts in a parking lot. When considering possible activities this week, ask yourself: "Is this something a 16-year-old might do?" Your answer to that question is also the answer to this one: "Should I?"

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You excite me. It's thrilling to think of thousands of strangers reading my words every week. It doesn't matter much if you take them seriously (after all?between you and me?we both know astrology's all bullshit, right?). If they make you chuckle or smile or think about something for half a second longer than you might've otherwise, I've done my job. More than that and I've overstepped. My goal: to encourage you to trust yourself above all else. Certainly listen to me and everyone else this week?right up until the point when we contradict your gut, your brain, your genitals or your phenomenal intuition.

[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:%0D%0DCaeriel@yahoo.com)