Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Uptight much? Whenever I start taking myself?or my life?too seriously, I long for a good fuck. Or, if there's no convenient sexual partner at hand, I poke fun at myself, by wearing a ridiculous crown, or fuzzy yellow slippers. Lately, your asshole has been puckered so tight your farts whistle. Buttcheek contraction like yours, in my observation, seriously inhibits one's ability to laugh at oneself. As your astrological doctor, I prescribe some serious belly laughter or some pleasurable sphincter stimulation. Your choice. (Check out www.rectaltronics.com for the latest in advanced butt-plug technology, and Anal Pleasure & Health, by Dr. Jack Morin, for the most informative book on enjoying your rear.) But please, please, loosen up.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) I dreamed that you were aflame, you hothead. It wasn't the scorching blaze of a forest-consuming conflagration, or even an out-of-control grease fire. Instead, you glowed like the cherry of a tight little bud on fire, releasing consciousness-changing smoke wherever you went. As the zodiac's most infamous revolutionaries (especially on spiritual, philosophical or technological fronts), you have a responsibility to the rest of us. This week, do your utmost to make the world just a little more radical. With Mars on your side, your ideas have the power to singe, your passions, to incinerate. But don't hold back. The world needs your heat.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) You've spent years living in your head, Pisces. Sometimes I think you're happier there. But there's a vast audience clamoring for you to make an appearance. Emerge from backstage, if only for a real-time cameo out here with the rest of us, in what we call "real life." The standing ovation I expect you'll receive should whet your taste for applause. You're always putting off your brilliance for "the right moment." I hate to destroy this cherished illusion?but for most of us, the right moment is whenever we create it. You'll have an easier time creating your first tentative openings to display your dreamy genius this week than you ever have before. Shine, beautiful.
Aries (March 21-April 19) According to folks at www.olivetree.org, the Messiah will arrive in Jerusalem, through "the golden gate." And they want you to see it: Check out their Messiah Cam for a live webcast of the Second Coming. Of course, if the world is going to go to shit on 1/1/00, some part of it is bound to happen in New York. Stay calm, Aries. As you're going to be the ones picking the pieces up all spring, it's in your best interest to calm millennial fever wherever you encounter it. Say it with me, sweetheart: "It's all going to be okay."
Taurus (April 20-May 20) This week, roll in money. I'm sure you're only too happy to comply. Cash your check in ones, if you must, and just wallow in 'em. Throw your wad in the air, let it tumble down around you like dead leaves on a windy fall day. Surrounding yourself with your riches, no matter how great or small, ought to have a magnetic effect, attracting even more money. No, it's not the alchemical formula for transmuting lead into gold, the medical cure for idiocy, a foolproof matter-transmission device or any other get-rich-quick scheme. Just roll in dough and next week should bake up richer than this one, if only by a little.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) "Sex." Does that turn you on? You should be about that easy this week. Gemini boys everywhere are walking around with boner tents in their pants. Gem girls are so wet they might consider opening up lemonade stands. What's the catch? Luckily it's one you probably won't have any problem with. You've got the Midas touch with those dexterous hands of yours. The more you fool around, the more desirable you'll appear, this week. In other words, your own magnetism could quickly snowball into something monstrous. But somehow I doubt that will bother you. With your ability to multitask, juggling 10 affairs is no harder than managing just one.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Whether you worship God, Allah, Kali, Buddha, the lottery or your lover's genitals, I am greatly pleased to offer this virtual guarantee: This week, and this week only, your prayers will be answered. To actualize this amazing promise, simply repeat this mantra seven times: I create my own reality. ______(God, the lottery) just helps out. Done? Closure on your wish is imminent. There are no guarantees (unless you're exceptionally good at reality selection) as to how your prayers might be answered, though. (The answer could be "no.") But at least you won't have to operate in a vacuum.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) You need a makeover, bad. Not that you don't look good, baby. I mean, you look good, no? But you could always look better. As most of you know, there's no such thing as maximum potential for beauty and style (For proof, check out the latest Glamour Goblins production on Cable Access Channel 67 in Manhattan on Sunday night, midnight.) You've barely scratched the surface of all your potential stardom. As I've mentioned previously, you're scheduled to outperform the sun for sheer dazzle sometime in the early part of 2000. I hope a couple of months is enough time to prepare for your starring role. Tune up your radiance and get ready to blaze, Sexy.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Sometimes I envy you, Virgo. Your ability to reset your virginity as easily as an automobile triptometer is admirable. These days, any vestige of innocence that isn't inseparably paired with stupidity is very rare. That's why you're so special. This week, when encountering those cynics who long to puncture your mental hymen, wield your cerebral chastity belt like a weapon and hit them upside their heads. While you're pelting the shit out of misanthropes with your childhood toys, knock some sense into them as well.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Every energy-conversion system or device involves some waste, or loss of energy. It's a law of physics. But you're so frictionlessly and effectively converting thought into action this week, it's a wonder anyone can keep up with you. Three trips to the gym will practically have you lifting cars, an hour on the Internet will enable you to effortlessly recite hilarious filth for the amusement of all your companions, and a visit to the church of your choice may almost be grounds for canonization. The only things, in fact, that don't seem to be operating at superhuman levels are your decision-making skills. Cut out the eeny-meeny-miny-mo-ing and just make up your damn mind, Wonder Waffle.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) You can single-handedly lower the worldwide fear quotient this week. To inspire you, I invoke the example and vision of Scorpio philosopher and "explorer of frontiers of consciousness," Timothy Leary. He "relentlessly and faithfully pursued self-exploration, evolution, and innovation as the antidotes to terminal adulthood." A pioneer (of psychedelics in the 60s and the Internet in the 90s, as brain-expanding tools) to the end, when he was diagnosed with inoperable prostate cancer, he decided to write a book about his dying process, in order to demystify death. He wanted to "take the fear out of death or die trying." When you face down your fears, you make the world feel just a little bit safer for yourself, and the rest of us, too.