This Week's Horoscope

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:55

    Cancer (June 21-July 22) While abroad, I drank more Coca-Cola than in the rest of my life combined. In some places in India, it was easier to find than safe drinking water. Now, I crave it. I've heard that the original formula for our favorite soft drink, way back when, actually included cocaine, so it had some addictive qualities. Now I wonder if they've discovered some new ingredient for people like me to jones for. In any case, I hope I get over it soon?this desire is almost as laughable in my circle as my fondness for Ally McBeal. Your own embarrassing longings don't seem so shameful now, do they? I mean, Ally McBeal?! Well, I feel much better for my confession, and so will you?after yours. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) As a marketing tactic, some stores use smells to subtly encourage their customers to spend money. Tiny traces of lilacs, freshly baked cinnamon buns, or soap might tickle your subconscious, via your sinuses. If only the people who think these things up could guess how bored you are by these pleasantly mundane scents. It's not surprising, considering the exciting (if less pretty) odors you're likely to encounter this week: exploding fireworks, sweaty lovers and dirty money. Don't turn up your nose at any truffle you manage to root up, no matter how ugly or unappealing. Aromas can cause people to empty their wallets. Your trusty organ is far wiser; follow it and you're likely to find adventure, passion and wealth, instead of the mall. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) According to my astrological performance meter, you haven't been running at peak efficiency lately. Normally, I'd say: "Good for you!" But too much of your nervous energy has been diverted into meaningless, annoying activities like pen clicking, toe tapping, table drumming and nagging. Ideally, you could simply downshift, and relax. Unfortunately, lounging hasn't yet found its way into your vocabulary. Fine. Go get things done. Go do stuff. But please, try not to make the rest of us, who know how to chill out, look too bad. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Are you a pig? I'm not referring to chauvinists, barnyard animals or cops. Usually, people who call themselves pigs are communicating their willingness to sexually connect with other people (including total strangers) and explore the outer fringes of raunch and sleaze. They like it dirty and imaginative. Okay, I don't actually expect you to leap blindly into water sports or bondage scenes. But your focus on making sure everything is "nice" and "pretty" has sort of bored your partner lately. Surprise them this week. Select your most naughty (yet achievable) fantasy and make it happen. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) I could spend a fortune on expensive yuppie dog treats, posture-adjusted food bowls, high-tech chew toys, designer leashes and tailored outfits, but my dog would probably prefer I didn't. Nothing makes him happier than an old beat-up tennis ball. How many kids, exhausted by the profusion of shiny, brand-new toys bestowed on them during the holidays, prefer to play with the boxes they came in? You don't need to buy fancy gifts to show those you adore how you feel. I love it when you get expressive like this, but don't waste your money. A two-dollar bouquet of daisies or a postcard with a big, hand-scrawled heart is even sweeter than that overpriced sweater, in my opinion. Hold onto your cash. Save it for a trip, a new house or something that really counts. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You can manufacture your own luck this week. There's a condition, though: you can't be the primary beneficiary of the good fortune you've spawned. That's not to say you can't reap the rewards you've earned. You can; just don't hog them all. Hurry?we're waiting for the windfalls generated by your astrological providence. "Accidentally" ram your car into that armored truck. In the ensuing chaos, while looters stream over the debris like frenzied ants, you just might be able to sneak off with a bag of money all your own. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) All your metaphorical dominoes are lined up, in the most elaborate pattern you've attempted to date. You included bridges, forks, merges, tunnels, spirals, even a loop or two. Now it's time to tap that first one and let them all fall where they may. Don't be disappointed by the anticlimactic nature of the catalytic moment (or with how quickly it's all over)?for months to come you'll be reaping the rewards you've set up for yourself. Whether it's a phone call to your best friend, an e-mail to your lover or a fistfight with the boss that's going to set these events into motion, it's time. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb.18) Is it against the law to drive backwards? If it weren't somewhat dangerous, I'd suggest you try getting everywhere in reverse this week. There's a different energy when you back carefully into a situation, rather than boldly striding forward. Your usual awkward directness can be awfully intimidating to someone who doesn't know you. Try it, just for a block or so. Walk backwards, looking over your shoulder to prevent accidents. People will have totally different reactions to you than they would've otherwise. And as a result, you get to see the facet of your life you've been missing, the one you need to see. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) I'm following your example as I craft my life's next chapter, Pisces. Believe me, you weren't my first choice of role models. Every time I've moved somewhere new, I've gone about setting up my life in a completely different way. I've attempted the bold forthrightness and impatient exuberance of Leo, the careful analysis and preparation of Virgo, the foolish (in the charmed, innocent sense) way of Aries and the clingy, careful methods of Cancer. But this time I want to be trusting without being naive, to relax and not worry, but not let everything slide. In case you've forgotten, your laid-back ways may have their flaws, but tend to work out for you in the long run. Stop stressing out this week. The universe is conspiring, in its own circuitous way, to give you what you want, exactly when you're ready to receive it. Aries (March 21-April 19) Yak, yak, yak. Look at you, gossiping with your best friend, giggling into the phone like naughty teenagers into the wee hours. By all means, be silly. Go there, girl. All those serious processing sessions of last month couldn't begin to convey the warmth and love you exude when you're this goofy. But don't forget that this is serious business, this horsing around. It's for your own mental health. If you can't let yourself roll on the ground with a soul-shaking, body-healing 15-minute belly laugh, who do you think is going to let you? Taurus (April 20-May 20) I can still feel the imprint of the boot in my ass. Perhaps getting a good swift kick to the rump was exactly what I needed. I certainly deliver my share of psychic tough-love, to the point where I considered calling this column "Ass-kicking Astrology." Certainly the most effective way to get a stubborn mule (or bull) in motion is a sharp slap on the rear, though it's not necessarily the nicest. Nevertheless, I'm grateful for the movement it's generated in me. I'm not going on about getting your butt bumped because you're about to?actually, I expect you're more likely to be doing the foot-swinging this week. Although there are many deserving derrieres around, don't get carried away?because at some point you'll get as good as you give.