This Week's Horoscope

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

If I were you, I'd bet on Always Finishes Last (despite his 500-to-1 odds), rather than wasting money on the first-place favorite. You're not any more (or less) likely to win, choosing the longshot, but at the moment, your psychic health depends on banking on the exception to the rule. Put your cash on the horse that's one lost race away from the glue factory. Whether or not such far-fetched faith pays out for you in the end is almost irrelevant; the act of investing money, time or energy in the least likely but most deserving choice will reap rich spiritual rewards, guaranteed to pay out much more than you put in.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

No one knows better than you that a straight line forms the shortest distance between two points. You're notorious for finding shortcut solutions to almost any problem (like your white-trash laundry substitute, a spritz of Febreze). However, as I'm sure you've discovered (about the time your date started crinkling her nose and saying, "What's that smell?"), the shortest path isn't always the quickest or best. Before you cut any more corners this week, ask yourself: "What's the rush?" Is being the first to arrive at your destination worth the ripped jeans, the splattered shoes, the besmirched reputation? You might just be better off taking the long way around.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You were doing so well. You thought you were going to make it this week. But right near the end, you slipped up. You fell off the wagon. Luckily, you didn't break anything; and hardly anyone noticed before you were able to run and catch up and climb back on. But you noticed, and the fallout's going to haunt you for absolutely ages. Except?you lucky bastard?it hasn't happened yet. Assuming I got to you early enough, let my prediction encourage you to hang on to the sides of whatever wagon it is you're on this week. You'll get to wherever you're headed a lot quicker if you do.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

According to amazon.co.uk, 10 percent of Valentine's Day merchandise was purchased by people for themselves. That people were so hoodwinked by corporate holidaymakers and sadly embarrassed about their singlehood to buy stuff to save face is tragic. Still, despite their pathetic motivation, the thought isn't so bad. This week, send yourself the love letter you richly deserve?but do yourself a favor and make it something more meaningful and real than a cheesy heart-shaped card, and do it not to impress other people (it can be our little secret, in fact) but simply to deliver the goods you really shouldn't have to wait any longer for.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

The Nazca Lines lie in the Peruvian desert, in the shadow of the Andes mountains. Although fairly ancient, they weren't discovered until relatively recently, because the images they form can only be seen from high altitudes. Why the Nazca drew these giant pictures?geometric shapes and animals, like a 150-foot spider and a 440-foot condor?will always remain a mystery. My guess is they had a rather keen grasp of the "big picture" concept, unlike you, lately. See, up close, those lines don't look like much. But from a couple thousand feet up?or a few steps back, in your case?what was created is obvious, even if the "why" of it remains a mystery. It's not your usual style to hop a flight just so you can look down, but that might be just what you need.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Yeah, yeah, you're an open book. Most Leos are, right? You've got that sunny, outgoing disposition, a powerful, artistic drive for self-expression, blah blah blah? Admit it: you're not exactly a book-on-tape. You still require your "reader" to open you up and pick a chapter to read from. You've justified your reticence by pointing at other people's laziness. After all, you're not some padlocked diary sealed inside a bomb-rigged bank safe. I'm not asking you to downgrade from fine literature to porno mag, just to get readers. But you might want to consider changing what's written on your book jacket. You've already got the makings of a bestseller. Now it's all about marketing.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You've only got so much ego currency to spend before you run out, collapsing in a self-pitying heap. Even you notoriously self-contained Virgos, who tend to invest more of your self-worth in what you do than what people think of you, need occasional validation from those you love. At the rate you've tolerated mischievous ribbing and (sometimes not so playful) disrespect lately, your self-image is going to have to file for bankruptcy before the winter's through. Don't go there. Instead, tighten the purse strings of your self-esteem by sticking up for yourself or dishing it out as well as you take it, until the compliments start flowing again.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Horrified, I watched my interest level plummet when I learned my date was a Libra. What bullshit! Can't I even take my own advice?that astrology should always empower, never limit? Especially since a sun sign only determines about 20 percent of one's personality. Sadly, I'm not the only one who might just need the tiniest nudge to notice how great you are, or the ittiest smidge of evidence regarding your depth, sexiness and willingness to be real rather than "nice" when necessary. Hint: Actions speak way, way louder than the words you're most comfortable with.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You've accidentally stumbled onto God's private orchard, seeded from the tree that tempted Eve. Damn, this is better than any old Garden of Eden, anyway. Here you have not only Apples of Knowledge, but sweet Peaches of Public Sex, Cherries of Newly Awakened Lust, Grapes of Wrath-born Passion and sticky Pineapples of Kinky Martyrdom. But don't stop there. Show us why taboo-crunching should be left to true artists like you: instead of settling for a merely delicious forbidden feast of illicit, intoxicating fruits, dip them in chocolate first.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

The injectable drug known as Botox, a diluted form of the toxin that causes botulism, is about to get approval for cosmetic use in the United States. It paralyzes the muscles of the face, erasing wrinkles. According to Alex Kuczynski, "it is now rare in certain social enclaves to see a woman over the age of 35 with the ability to look angry." Why sacrifice emotional expressiveness for the appearance of youth? And why is zombie-faced beauty preferable to the elegant lines of a gracefully aged person? Is attracting someone to a frozen half-version of you what you really want? What happens when they find out? What are you sacrificing to preserve your illusions? Is the price really worth it?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Unbutton your shirt. Show us a little more chest. You're going for harlot, in case you were wondering. It's necessary, to shake free of the somewhat stodgy rep your sign has accumulated. The truth is, when you set your minds to it, Capricorns are hardier partiers than pretty much anyone else, due to your incredible endurance and drive. Come on, you horny goat! Don't bury your impressive debauchery under a ton of turgid diligence. Show us what you're made of, since that happens to be wilder stuff than anyone imagined.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Although it appears to the outside world that you've uncharacteristically put aside your unswerving lust for freedom in favor of significant encumbrance, I know the truth. What's actually happening is that you've learned to see that deeper freedoms are available to those who are willing to sacrifice some of the ones they didn't feel like partaking in anyway. For instance, choosing monogamy (to the right person,) could free you in so many ways that you'd never regret losing the chance to date or sleep with other people, and the intimacy you found there could ultimately free you to explore potential you've never had the safety to open up to before. What other aspects of your life could benefit from a similar change of perspective, one that allows you to pursue your dearest goals in a totally new way?