Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) You tread unfamiliar territory so often that routines, habits and sure things are more strange and frightening than the unknown ever was. That's why this newest chapter is giving you some qualms?you can tell already that it's going to be great, instead of the pleasant uncertainty you're used to. Would it help if I told you that it's going to be incredible in a way that you've simply never experienced before, and beyond anything even your prodigious imagination has conjured up yet? Got a few nervous butterflies? Good. They'll help when the latest plot twist blows your mind?and who knows what else.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Kittens, teenagers and boyfriends simply don't respond well to discipline, no matter how much they need it. Sucks for you when you've got vivid red scratch marks all over your ankles and/or ego from their rambunctiously playful antics. It's tragic that they don't even stop once they've drawn blood?unless it's their own. Learning to control the frisky characters in your life is hardly a worthwhile objective, either?since their wildness is something you crave and enjoy. So, what to do? My philosophy: If you can't (or don't want to) beat them, joining them could be a fuckload of fun.
Aries (March 21-April 19) Effectively creating (or tweaking) your reality can require more finesse than a gourmet meal. Simply combining the correct amounts of all the right ingredients and following the recipe doesn't always work, especially on the first try. No cookbook can possibly account for those intangible variables that might affect the outcome, like your altitude, your mood or your oven's inaccuracy. Trying to do things by the book this week could prove more disastrous, rubbery and inedible than a collapsed souffle. Trust your instincts instead; especially because half the people you're dealing with have ovens that run 10 degrees hotter or colder than the number on the dial.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) As much as possible, you've diligently avoided filthy habits like smoking, public nose-picking and butt-kissing for weeks now, and where has it gotten you? That sense of righteous self-satisfaction is pretty empty when it's all you've got, isn't it? I'm not suggesting you adopt self-destructive or dangerous habits just for the hell of it, but I can't help feeling that a few naughty and slightly painful tendencies could be good medicine. I prescribe: Tabasco sauce in bed, scalding-hot bathwater and prank phone calls to cure what ails you.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) No one likes Hair-pullers, Tantrum-throwers or Dognappers. I know you'd never undertake these activities capriciously, but I'd urge you to avoid them altogether this week. The cunt at the post office may deserve a good ponytail yank, but rest assured that no one will appreciate it if you're the one to deliver it. Your ex-boyfriend's a prick for not allowing you canine visitation rights, but stealing the hound is no solution. If it's any consolation, keep in mind that he needs the dog because he doesn't really have any other friends, now that you're gone. I hope that by revealing the big picture, I'll prompt you to be on your best behavior this week. While I'm at it, let me remind you: pitching a fit is the best way to ensure you don't get what you want for Christmas.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) I hereby award you the title: Least Scrupulous of Signs. I thought Scorpios were cruel, and Capricorns conniving, but you Cancers take the cake. You've had no ethical standards lately that I can detect, selfishly pursuing your own aims and fucking whoever gets in the way (often literally!). I pass no judgment, however?I've always said you should own your actions and not hide behind rationalizations. I'm pleased that you know what you want clearly enough to throw so much of yourself behind it like this. With the new moon in Capricorn this week, you're set up to take your behind-the-scenes action to the next level, should you choose to abandon morality altogether (at least for the time being). At the very least, you should be better at knowing in advance whether or not you'll like the candy before you bother taking it from the baby.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Flying high on romance can cause a painful concussion, whenever you slam your skull against the glass ceiling beyond which only movies and fairytales can go. Love affairs are, by far, the most effective destabilizers known to Leo-kind; they have more undertow per square inch than the Bermuda Triangle. Before you become completely lost while riding that hurricane of emotion, let me remind you to tether yourself to familiar territory with an unbreakable carbotanium cable. In case you haven't already, do it this week?you should be touching down briefly on the last island of solidity before you hit the open sea.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) "Hardly Trying" is hardly in your repertoire, let alone a familiar act like "Trying Too Hard" and "Giving It Your All." It might just be beyond you, but could you at least half-try "Half-Trying"? This week you run an extremely high risk of being permanently branded overzealous, too intense or overqualified for your job, relationship or volunteer duties. Take a holiday break from your overachievement. Except for my assignment, adopt this mantra this week: If at first you don't succeed, give up.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) TV sitcoms attempt to bolster drooping ratings with cheap gimmicks like new characters (usually obnoxiously cute kids), moves to exciting new locations (Los Angeles?) or dramatic plot twists that leave you reeling with the effort required to suspend your disbelief. They rarely work. You know this, which is why I'm surprised to see you attempting similar tactics to prop up a sagging relationship. Really, the only thing that can save this show is original writing that rings true to what you both know. So quit the fancy camera work and get cracking on the new script. I give you exactly seven episodes to turn this thing around, or we'll be filling that time slot with more Simpsons reruns.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) A butterfly is far too fragile to be your new power animal, but I'd like to give it to you anyway, perhaps as a totem-accessory. It perfectly embodies the necessary journey you undertake at least once?and often many times?during your lifetime. Periodically (like this week), you're frustrated because you're not granted the respect you know you deserve. People see you as little, cute and fuzzy, perhaps a bit of a pest?something akin to a poisonous (but only if you eat it) caterpillar. There's not much you can do about it but turn inward and transform yourself (again). Ironically, once you flutter beyond your cocoon, not only will you get more admiration than ever before; you'll care about and need it even less.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Cue cheesy tv announcer: "Tired of doing _____ the old fashioned way?? Image: A beleaguered-looking man or woman attempting to inflate an air mattress, save leftover food or fend off a pack of wild dogs, then giving up in a dramatic fit of frustration, abject terror or both. "With this amazing product, available for four?no, make that three?easy payments of $19.95, you can end your suffering forever!" The almost infomercial style of the amazing new offers in your life should give you a clue: if what they're selling were really worth having, you'd already own it.
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