'Twas the Last Shopping Night when Santa went on strike. Creatures were stirring like the guy who stole my bike.
Mama in her Prada (knockoffs) and I in a fog Had just passed out from drinking too much eggnog.
When out on the sidewalk there arose such a clatter She made me get up to see what the hell was the matter.
The streetlight on the breast of the dirty black snow Lit the way for the mob of angry shoppers below.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear? But a miniature taxi and eight tiny reindeer!
With a little old driver so lively and quick I couldn't believe it-some bum dressed like St. Nick!
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came And he whistled and shouted and called them by name,
"Now, TONY! Now, TRIXI! LUM-LUM and RAFIKA! On ROXY! On RUBY! SAL, and SHENIQUA!
To the top of the building! Not a second later! Get outta the cab and in the elevator!"
Past the garbage toward the lobby they burst But couldn't get in without buzzing our door first.
"Who is it?" I said, reaching for a sneaker "Santa Claus," he shouted, too close to the speaker.
"Wrong apartment," I said, but it didn't do a thing, For the crazy fat man continued to ring.
I screamed, "What do you want?" almost out of my tree. He paused a moment, then said..."Gas company?"
Buzzing him in, I spotted the clock. Gasman at midnight? Better keep the door locked.
As I peered through the peephole I began to fidget. They looked like reindeer but might be prostitute midgets.
His eyes how they twinkled! His dimples how merry! Probably drank too much-had a nose like a cherry.
Wheezing as if having an asthma attack His beard was white but his eyebrows were black.
The stump of a pipe he clenched tight in his teeth And I thought I detected the smell of hashish.
With a broad face and a Don Zimmer belly That shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
"I come bearing gifts," he went on to say. I feigned ignorance, "Io no hablas anglais."
"You want your gift or not?" He yelled without fear.
I said, "Why you dressed like Santa And what's up with the reindeer?"
Under his breath, he bitterly remarked, "'Cause I am Santa, moron, and I'm also double-parked."
"Yeah right, you're a fat guy in a fleece! And you better leave now or I'll call the police."
Then he spoke not a word, for his reindeer he sent And twinkling his nose, down the elevator they went.
Away to the windowsill I threw open the sash And spied a shiny red bike thrown out in the trash!
Off in his cab, he went into the night, And screeching away lit his "OFF DUTY" light.
But I heard him scream as he hit a pothole and flew "NO MORE NEW YORK AND NO BIKE FOR YOU!!!"