WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 24 BAD MOVIE CLASS FESTIVAL 2004 Tolstoy once said that ...

> NOVEMBER 24

BAD MOVIE CLASS FESTIVAL 2004

Tolstoy once said that he avoided reading good books because they made him feel bad about his own work. Instead, he made a point of only reading bad books, as he felt that by doing so, he could see the mistakes other writers made and avoid them himself. That's pretty much the point of Juvie Hall's Bad Movie Class Fest (except, you know, with movies). Over five days, intrepid would-be filmmakers are subjected to celluloid atrocities like Mandroid, Christmas Evil (which we sort of like, ourselves), Warlords 3000, Nukie, Yor: Hunter from the Future and Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare. They're even showing one film that's so bad, everyone involved in making it sued to prevent it from ever being shown! In the process, "students" are encouraged to comment, mock and sneer aloud, in the hopes of learning what not to do in their own films. Gene Frankel Theater, 24 Bond St. (Lafayette St.), 212-777-1767; call for times, $5-$15.

THURSDAY NOVEMBER 25

MIDWESTERN FAMILY FUN PARADE 2004

New York's about to get a whole lot blonder. In celebration of Turkey Day and "the World's Largest Store," assorted round-faced, American Eagle-outfitted red-state residents descend upon Broadway in celebration of the few people they love more than their commander-in-chief: Matt Lauer, Santa Claus, B-list actors, marching bands and the lip-syncing casts of Broadway shows. We kindly suggest you view this Heartland lovefest the same way you watch most everything in this world: from your warm couch, with a warm beer and your increasingly lukewarm wife. Watch closely enough and you'll find plenty to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving. Starting point is on Central Park West (77th St.), 212-494-4495; 9 a.m., free.

FRIDAY NOVEMBER 26

WOLF + LAMB

They like to call it minimal techno, sometimes minimal dance music. We always thought it was micro house. Truth be told, though, we know fuck-all about techno, so the nomenclature is certainly beyond our ken. But we do like the glitch-hop and the click-hop, and we definitely like what Wolf + Lamb offer up at their parties: tiny beats and a hypnotic atmosphere. Which makes it hard to choose: Go up? Or head down? Tonight, maybe a bit of both, as this New York duo spins into the wee hours, with Gravitonium, at their second Less=More party at Boogaloo. 168 Marcy Ave. (betw. B'way & S. 5th St.), Williamsburg, 718-599-8900; 10, free.

SWORD IN THE MOON

Despite the fraudulent-sounding title-who'd they hire to translate this one?-Sword in the Moon is actually a war movie with sweeping action sequences that capture the turbulence of 17th-century Korea. Bear witness to the clash of Confucian rulers and Japanese invading forces as an elite guard unit struggles to fend off interlopers. We haven't been so excited about interlopers since Britney's Vegas wedding. American Museum of the Moving Image, 35 Ave. (36 St.), Astoria, 718-784-0077; 7:30, $10, $7.50 st./s.c.

DATE NIGHT AT SKY RINK

It's just not fair. The holidays can be so tough, but a designated couples night at Chelsea Piers Sky Rink? That's just wrong. You know what's gonna happen, don't you? People don't all just go checking websites to make sure some fascist theme night isn't going on at the neighborhood ice-skating rink! Some poor shmo is gonna be sitting at home, alone, watching the beginning of the holiday movie season on tv. Something's gonna remind him of something, he's gonna get caught up in the moment and run out to the rink, with its romantic skyline and Hudson views, only to find out it's couples night, and no, his collie doesn't count. Then, he's gonna jump. Pier 61, 23rd St. (12th Ave.), 212-336-6100; 5:30-8:30, $15 couple.

SATURDAY NOVEMBER 27

RUSSIAN-AMERICAN CULTURAL CENTER OPEN MIC

The William Morris Talent and Literary Agency website states that "since his 1992 arrival in Branson, Missouri, famous Russian comedian Yakov Smirnoff has played host to over three million visitors. At his own 1400-seat theater, operated personally by Yakov, the entire show and venue reflects this inspirational comedian's unique insights into life, family, and these United States." So the answer to your question is no, he probably won't show tonight. Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery (betw. Bleecker & Houston Sts.), 212-614-0505; 3, $10 sugg. don.

LEAF DAY

So it's your weekend with the kids, and you're broke as a joke but it'll break everyone's heart if the day is spent watching college football. Head on over to the free and exciting world of Riverside Park's Leaf Day. Truth is, the stereotypically mundane activity of raking leaves doesn't much resonate with city kids. To give your little ones a finer appreciation of the lamentable task appointed to young characters across the spectrum of entertainment-from Peanuts to Home Improvement-make them assist in moving the park's flood of colorful leaves to more wooded areas or designated composting areas. You can't afford to put off this quality time much longer, because before you know it, they'll be in high school, where every day is "leaf day." Riverside Dr. (103rd St.), 212-870-3070; 10-1, free.

SUNDAY NOVEMBER 28

VIKINGS: JOURNEY TO NEW WORLDS

It was midnight, Leno was sucking, Letterman was interviewing Nicolas Cage, and we didn't know what to do. We let our clicker-fingers do the walking and eventually ended up on some History Channel programming, miraculously not about the Second World War. We watched for five minutes as an ancient army was lauded by the narrator for its psychological-warfare tactic of piling enemy heads to make potential pursuers wet themselves. Five minutes turned into five hours, the Goths turned into Mongols, the Mongols turned into Huns, the Huns turned into Vikings and before we knew it, "Barbarians Week" had taken over our lives, and we were going to be very late for work. As hard as it was to kick the cable-tv battle-dramatization kick, we're prepared to dive back in head-first. Because any 12-year-old boy can tell you, the only thing cooler than Vikings is an IMAX gigantic-format film about Vikings. It's a marriage even Sen. Bunning (KY) can't deny. LeFrak Theater, American Museum of Natural History, 77th St. (betw. Columbus Ave. & Central Park W.), 212-769-5200; 11:30 & 3:30, $19, $14 st./s.c.

MONDAY NOVEMBER 29

FRANK GEHRY

You thought you built a good birdhouse? Paul Goldberger, Dean of Parsons School of Design, sits down this evening for a public conversation with legendary architect Frank Gehry in the interest of giving Parsons students and the paying public a design god's take on the important issues of our time: LEGOs vs. Construx, Lindsay Lohan vs. Hilary Duff, "The Freedom Tower" vs. a building name that isn't completely imbecilic. Ask the tough questions and make Frank earn his bank. Tishman Auditorium, 66 W. 12th St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-299-5488; 6:30, $15.

TUESDAY NOVEMBER 30

ACOUSTIC TRAUMA

Prog-acoustic groups with mathematical precision are very hard to come by. For this three-piece Albany-based band, where the singer alternates between violin, mandolin and acoustic guitar, it gives a more rounded sound than nearly all the shitty five-pieces playing downtown every night. The rhythm section of this band is also one of the most talented you'll ever hear in your short time on Earth. Geddy Lee? Neil Peart? Hogwash, we tell you. CBGB, 315 Bowery (Bleecker St.), 212-982-4052; 8, $7.

HEAT

In 1995, a Los Angeles crime saga hit the silver screen that completely revolutionized the way America thought about Hank Azaria films. But seriously, here's another for the "too long to watch on tv, too hot to not watch at all" pile. The best combination of cheese and class seen in a single cast starts off with Pacino and De Niro, and flies wildly out of control with Val Kilmer, Jon Voight, Ashley Judd, Natalie Portman, Tom Sizemore. What, did you just scoff at Sizemore? Fuck you-just for that you get Henry Rollins and Tone?Loc cameos. The robbery climax scene is still the way we imagine L.A. to be on warm afternoons, the first on-screen meeting of Michael Corleone and the young Vito Corleone in the diner still gets us aroused, and we still don't mind that piano instrumental Moby groove that ties the film together. That dude ought to consider selling the rights to some of his other songs. American Museum of the Moving Image, 35 Ave. (36 St.), Astoria, 718-784-0077; 7, $10, $7.50 st./s.c.

Contributors: Jim Knipfel, Jeff Koyen, Dan Migdal, Dennis Tyhacz