WWTVVD?

IT'S GAME TIME at the Village Voice. In the past year, everyone's favorite weekly dose of irrelevance has portrayed President Bush as a cowboy several times (duh), as various forms of simian (duh) and recently as a vampire sucking the Statue of Liberty dry (um, not bad). This week, they go for the gold, hitting the streets on Tues., Nov. 2-better known to their geriatric readership as the Most Important Fucking Day in the History of the Fucking World, Man.

The Newshole thought it would be fun to predict this week's Village Voice cover in advance. While we were able to rent an infinite number of monkeys-boy, aren't they causing hell in the back room-we couldn't afford the infinite number of PowerBooks and copies of Quark they needed to get the job done. Instead, we turned to some of our regular contributors.

The task was simple: What Would the Village Voice Do?

ALEXANDER ZAITCHIK

The five conservative Supreme Court Justices dressed up in BUSH basketball uniforms, chasing a ball marked "2004" as it goes out of bounds. Words: "NOT THIS TIME: Keeping the ball off the court."

RUSS SMITH

Taking the most generous—no, make that Christian—perspective, the Voice's cover will feature George W. Bush in Jacob Marley gear, rattling around in Baghdad not far from Abu Ghraib. Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and Condi Rice (including a "person of color" will give pause to the illustrator, but the propaganda must be served) will be in the background, playing catch with the skulls of Iraqis slain since the U.S. invaded the country. Osama bin Laden, clad in Ayatollah sheets, will be presented as weirdly beatific, and it'll be up to the reader to decide whether he's a hero or villain.

A.J. DAULERIO

There is a pissed-off donkey in blackface, wearing a rainbow coat, cradling a picture of Christopher Reeve, sitting on a garbage heap of swing-state votes. It's watching an elephant with a Bush-like visage, smiling devilishly and wiping its ass with the Kyoto Treaty right next to a copy of the Constitution, which is covered in giant, smoldering turds.

JIM KNIPFEL

I'm reminded of the "election night in the composition room" scene in Citizen Kane. Since the results likely won't be official until some days or weeks after the election, my guess is they'll run with the basic assumption, and portray a grinning George Bush in Hamburglar attire (black mask, black-and-white striped shirt). Over his shoulder will be a large sack containing a voting machine. And although it makes no real sense, the title "Commander-in-Thief" will be used. The color scheme will be primarily red, white and black.

LIONEL BEEHNER

Four of the eldest Supreme Court Justices (pray not dressed up like the Supremes) looking old and frail, crowd around their will, which reads: "I hereby bequeath a woman's fetus, stem cells, the rights of gays, America's protected wetlands, Gitmo and all the guns 'n' ammo a guy could want, over to George Jr.," who's smiling mischievously in the foreground. The notary is John Kerry, looking on, a bit bereaved.

JUDY MCGUIRE

Lady Liberty—battered, bruised and bleeding from the anus.

J.R. TAYLOR

I can't predict that Bush will win, but we can easily predict the Voice making excuses for Kerry possibly losing. The weekly also likes to propagate lies about Florida, which is why the cover will feature a black man in chains struggling to reach a voting booth, as John Ashcroft (or maybe just a generic Evil White Male) leers in the background.

NICK BILTON

Bush is a marionette at the end of a performance. He is kneeling, hands raised to God. In the background, the Supreme Court justices—also marionettes, Team America-style—are dressed as cheerleaders. Behind them, Karen Hughes, Katherine Harris, Condi and Jeb form a swing band. Hundred-dollar bills fall from above like confetti; on each side, oil gushes like 4th of July fireworks. At the top of the page, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney and Jesus control the marionettes.

JEFF KOYEN

Saving their best for last, the Voice art-direction committee finally renders Bush as Christ—their ace in the hole that panders to all takers. Jesus H. Bush is nailed to the cross. Surrounding him, the hook-nosed Jews who sold out Mel Gibson's Nazarene are replaced by suburban moms and other swing-state voters—but are they rejoicing, or mourning? Playing the role of Veronica, Ashcroft wipes W.'s face with the Patriot Act. The setting is either the floor of the Supreme Court or the Iraqi desert. Having won or lost the election, the artist suggests, Bush will return.

MATT TAIBBI

The cover is Bush, still covered in confetti, looking out over the balcony at the Eagle's Nest in Austria. He is flanked by Rove and Karen Hughes, who are carrying half-empty bottles of champagne. Headline: "WEIMAR FALLS."